insects* i've murdered

2x 'chiggers' (factually inaccurate)

fam. trombiculidae

were really two red ticks that are called 'chiggers' during larva stage**

2x gigantic cockroach

fam. blattidae

one happened at night, couldn't see well

was probably a v large beetle

second happened in my basement

was very fast, immediately thought 'fucking cucaracha'

1x mosquito 

fam. culicidae

happened mid-vampirism

thought 'you can't have my blood it's mine' in a scottish accent several times during, after

3x house centipedes 

fam. scutigeridae

'smooshed' thoroughly to prevent detached legs from crawling around post-mortem

saw the third's cricket-like hind leg trying to detach and wobble around, felt bad about taking its life i think

~10x small cockroaches 

fam. blattidae

at friend's house in baltimore while cleaning dishes

'tortured' them by pouring dishwashing solution on a goup of them, which takes ~30secs to kill them, felt consistently bad/evil while doing this

1x earwig 

fam. forficulidae

crushed w large vat of 'zipfizz' vitamin energy drink powder

happened while doing the dishes

was happy w the speed/accuracy of this kill

????x ???? 

fam. fucking everywheridae

walking around barefoot in parents' yard

walking around house while 'aloof'

walking around

2x houseflies 

fam. muscidae

one tried to drink my beer while i was at 'bukowski's' in boston w ellen kennedy

second was in the kitchen while i tried to do dishes, flew near my ear, almost slammed my head against the counter from surprise, killed with a fly swatter

1x ???? 

fam. wth ur so smallidae

nearly microscopic

caused perceptible pain while crawling on my foot, used thumb

???x fleas 

fam. pulicidae

gave dog that lives at my house a bath

1x giant ichneumon wasp

fam. ichneumonidae

captured in a 'to go' container while working at deli

gave it to a friend who is pagan as a 'peace offering' after a fight

died due to neglect/not being released

~300x flesh-flies 

fam. sacrophagidae

v large

infestation at deli

took a week+ to kill them all

felt 'helpless' mostly, they would have eaten all of the meat

3x scorpions 

fam. buthidae

happened while living in nicaragua

consistently appeared 'where expected' (hiding in a shoe, closet, behind a door that was open for a long period of time)

was never stung, though everyone else who encountered them seemed to have been

they look/act so cool, i consistently felt bad killing them, however the way peoples' bodies reacted to getting stung seemed horrifying

*factually inaccurate re subphyla, i think, 'anthropods' is more accurate, less direct

**when smooshed they leave a red 'streak', megan boyle pointed this out to me, apparently zachary german hadn't ever seen one before a few weeks ago 

i encourage people to ask questions in the comment section re my thoughts on 'murdering' small animals, i feel interested in this discussion topic

'life lessons' i 'learned' maniacally playing 'tetris' (that i just as easily could have learned from playing sports in high school or reading more 'hipster runoff' articles probably)

‘success’ isn’t 'about' consistently ‘killing it’

or 'over-intellectualizing' the process
it’s 'about' ‘keeping your head in the game’

small victories are important
because if you ‘keep your head in the game’
(or focus on pattern recognition and allow your mind
to lucidly, subconsciously navigate the space [life])
then you will see and respond instinctively to opportunities

your response won’t always be the most efficient
(read, 'successful') one
but it can lead to a series of gratifying ‘combos’
or you may ‘take out’ a large number of goals

without ‘even realizing it’
or feeling the the urge to acknowledge it

eventually, you lose
it is inevitable
but you don’t even notice, really
if you 'keep your head in the game’

haha,

what does this even mean
i really dislike metaphors

lol want to die

lol i'm not joking lol i want to die lol i have never felt this like this before lol i mean i have but shit lol fuck lol 'emo' lol but seriously lol not hungry anymore lol acid reflux has yielded to 'sinking feeling' lol was going to masturbate lol just want to hang myself lol this is definitely 'a cry for help' lol please don't 'reach out' lol i'll be fine lol want to die

possible things to do with megan boyle (late january 2012)

found a google doc outlining 'possible things to do with megan boyle' from her january ~21, 2012 visit to baltimore (we ate pizza, drank whiskey, spun in 'the ovum', 'got ratchet', partied with friends, watched 'DEAD MIDGETS', then fell asleep sitting up, watching 'millenium'. some activities can be viewed via the below video):

possible things to do with megan boyle:

1. rock out making music, self-consciously committing to forming a non-committal band

2. go out for pizza and just enjoy ourselves while munching

3. set up ‘ultimate playlist ever’ and see if we can make random youtube music videos as an experiment

4. sit on couch, watch undesirable but 4-5 star rated movie

5. explore the interior of the copycat building and try to make new friends

6. go to a bar, start a ruckus as opposed to just trying to sleep with ppl/get drunk

7. based on her interests give her a freestyle selection of things she might be up to do then we arm wrestle/RPS until the winner provides ‘random activity’

8. clean the copycat as some sort of ‘re-branding’ initiative, invite her to organize things while i talk her head off

9. offer my infinite film accessibility and ask her what type of movies she likes, clean up a bit, and watch decided-on movie in some ‘new fashion’/form/setting

10. have intellectual discussion about ____________ and go from there

11. spy on roommates' conversations and compile them into a ‘night at the copycat’ short story collection

12. go play in what remains of the snow for 5 minutes at a time with 15 minute intervals

#missubro

passion is the will of circumstance lost in the chaos of rational thought

momentarily felt satisfied with everything

fear and swift acknowledgement of anger were gone

and i realized i am a monster

caring only for beauty

and have always been this thing

despite conscious protest

i realized that i

have never written a love poem

have never said a beautiful thing

have never seen a beautiful thing

and am directionless in this task

where are you

i want to see you tonight

i will lie awake waiting

to see you tonight

for you to call me drunk on wine

and varied conversation

a single concerned thought of me having crossed your mind

and you will repeat the words ‘i don’t know myself’

but instead, you won’t call me

you will feel unsure and non-committal

and i will feel insane and move rapidly through space

and a monster will roar

'this isn’t intense enough'

‘i can’t lose myself in this’

what if everything sucks

i made a lil ebook for my friends about my life/thoughts

a memory

i am unsure how to discern

if i can’t sleep, or don’t sleep

lying in front of a laptop,

all windows closed

against a bizarre interface

a generic background,

i see you smile

a memory

on a cast iron fire escape

you seem cold

and warm

and cold again

and selfishly, i think,

when i write about me, i feel compact

verbose

‘i’m cold,’ you said then

and i thought

we could die trying to communicate

veraciously