'A THING FOR VALENTINE'S DAY' which i made a physical copy of with illustrations for my girlfriend last night


a thing,
mostly about lara,
entirely for lara

a brief history of the relationship i’ve had with my chinchilla

i met my chinchilla at a party, but don’t remember her or the party much

i met my chinchilla again at a birthday thing where we made out all night

it snowed a few feet, so we stayed in my chinchilla’s cave mostly during that

when i played in a band, my chinchilla came to most of the shows

i told my chinchilla something sweet, then we fought about other, pomegranate-related shit

my chinchilla went away, twice, to nicaragua, and i cried a bit

i felt a small sense of relief when my chinchilla was gone, but mostly nihilism

when my chinchilla is around i attempt to feel things, which causes a sense of comfort

which i prefer to mostly nihilism, i think

results of surgically fusing a party girl to an android giraffe beast with recently-installed overactive libido software

hoards of men stare blankly at the party girl android giraffe beast and think things like ‘she looks kind of like, um, a dali painting or something’

joint temporal abuse of social responsibility still produces calm feelings of maintaining a success-driven, goal-oriented existence

instinctual male procreation anxiety is universally alleviated for three hours every 72 hours, causing a rotating 75 hour pandemic insemination outbreak among the extremely promiscuous

astronomy-centered activities seem bland and mildly redundant due to the constellation-like spot patterns on the android-giraffe portion of the beast’s body, causing mystic astrological practices to be replaced by compulsive freckle mapping sprints among fanatical mystics, and a reversion to the ancient chinese art of bone reading for signs of the second coming of an previously un-talked-about buddha figure, describe as ‘serenely clichéd, in a sort of daring, connery-esque, yet sweetly reminiscent of christian bale way’, by a freckle mapper of some renown

a unified effort to promote veganism arises as a means to end suffering in all neuron-based lifeforms, inspired by telepathic subconscious messages implanted in the brains of the populace through a collaborative effort between the android and giraffe parts of the beast’s brain, however undermined by a power-play from the pro-meat/pro-avimal abuse partygirl faction, solicited, in secret by the outraged party girl portion of the beast’s brainstem

lengthy sessions of movie concept brainstorming occur in people whose profession it is to be in direct opposition to all forms of artistic media, especially film

a list of things i will have to systematically cause to result in positive emotional reactions for our relationship to last through to your first pregnancy

use of the phrase ‘i’m just living my life’

clothing going onto the floor instead of onto/into something that is not the floor

whining sounds when [variety of things, but especially things that require some labor on my part] are desired

the use of ‘i love you’ and ‘fuck me’ during sex

inexplicable instances of forgetting, misplacing, or disposing of objects of [seemingly] extreme importance

‘reckless’ spending with no expressed intention to assess the current budget in a ‘i have this much money to spend over this amount of time’ way

asking ‘do you think i’m fat?’ in a non-sarcastic, non-self-aware manner resulting in mutual confusion as to what the desired answer is and being dissatisfied regardless of what the response is whether it is an answer or a diversion meant to avoid answering

‘bursting into song’ [typically a spanish song, song from the radio, or nostalgic song associated with extreme bad taste in music]

preparing to leave for [seemingly important event] with [minimum amount of time] prior to the beginning of [increasingly important event], with [exponentially higher rate of anxiety] about [increasingly small amount of time] before [adequately preliminarily informed-of event] will occur

use of abstract, wordy rhetoric to elicit conventional feelings of comfort, security, and entertainment


a bridge

oh but how all simplistic inquiries seem ever to invade my soul’s redundant monologue, seeking an alloyed infrastructure in fluid thoughts of you, and a way which, lost on me, is the clear heading of all lives that i have lived, between the painful, though trite calamities that burdened my youth, and this era, where i find myself arisen, new, beautiful, with whole poems of thought for you: ‘how she is tender and meager and all-forgiving, and here is my heart, again, so surrounded by a dull mutter of what must be a powder, saccharine, and on a cake sautéed to perfection, lavished in ambrosial syrup’, and now here we are, and i am, once, asking that you find me some simplicity, for you, being so everything, would be nothing should i never find it, but in its search i am justified, sitting, alone in this tree, sprung from seeds of anarchy, where i have found a map with no cardinal direction and a destination of which i do not know the name, but the region is named for you, nymph, goddess in a pantheon built and destroyed by previous worshipers of word and drama

a list of ‘qualities’ i find unique and endearing about my girlfriend in a way that transcends previous notions of ‘uniqueness’ and ‘endearing qualities’ found in previous women i’ve been involved with/interested in

my girlfriend is a lady, and is therefore not nothin’ but a sister

my girlfriend is pretty much ‘DTF’ 24/7, jealous?

my girlfriend is as sweet as a sweet ass hershey bar

my girlfriend is not a girl, and not yet a woman

my girlfriend chills the hardest out of all my bros

my girlfriend ‘eats this shit up’

my girlfriend gets high as a georgia pine

my girlfriend is ‘an enabler’ but waves ‘enabling’ off because she thinks eventually the enabled will ‘do something with their lives’

my girlfriend looks at me like i’m the only man on the planet, sometimes

my girlfriend cares more about her tan than her family history of melanoma

my girlfriend is annoyed by her own ‘sorrostitute-esque’ voice

my girlfriend says ‘hi’ and ‘i love you’ to break awkward silences

my girlfriend has a deep, false sense of superior taste, in everything, to everyone, but refuses to provide any evidence

my girlfriend is beautiful, no matter what they say, your words won’t bring me down

my girlfriend is hot as sriracha sauce

my girlfriend consumes, retains, calculates and outputs every piece of information i input, like a computer or something

my girlfriend wants to spend the rest of her life in close proximity to me

when i see [my girlfriend’s] face, there’s not a thing that i would change, because you’re amazing just the way you are