descriptions of—and assumed reasons why i am attracted to—five girls i currently have crushes on

1. sexy. smiles a lot. showed interest first. personality that i find genuinely interesting and don’t think of with any sarcasm, i.e. uncontrollable thoughts that her opinion is ‘stupid’ in any way. no visual physical traits that cause me any discomfort whatsoever. acknowledged superior intelligence among friend group. requires long-term time investment. sweet ass sense of humor. very understanding. i can’t interpret the relationship between her actions and possible thought processes and want to ‘understand’ the same way i want to ‘understand’ myself. just thought ‘put sexy again, she is sexy’ and typed it.

2. ‘crazy’. very short attention span. bizarre sense of humor that others seem to gravitate to possibly just because she is pretty, maybe because she is ‘clever’. openly very sexual. ‘mysterious’. highly motivated in short increments. did not show interest until after ~3 weeks of interaction. seems to experience ambivalence but not appear to experience fear.

3. mercurial. emotionally codependent. considers me responsible for ‘everything’. does not respect the emotions i feel and think most about. does not take my opinion seriously but usually ‘goes along’ with what i want to do. very complex personal relationship involving intense feelings of both love and hate. higher level of sexual ‘closeness’ to anyone else.

4. mercurial. potentially very similar to 3. but entirely unknown outside of the context of only being friends. very close friend i feel ‘i cannot betray’ consistently professes to be ‘in love’ with her. highly refined aesthetic sensibility. very ‘motherly’/accommodating and also very assertive. possibly an alcoholic/’thrill junkie’.

5. definitely an alcoholic. is wildly perceptive/capable of describing her experiences with so much detail that i don’t see her as ‘a girl’ at all. have seen her naked but felt incapable of ‘doing anything’. has the qualities and personal myth of being an ‘artistic muse’, to some degree. travels a lot so i see her infrequently but when we are together it is unbelievably/vividly memorable. coined, to me, the most endearing nickname derivative of ‘buttercup’. is not aware, despite how close we are, that i have a crush on her at all.

a theory

i have a theory

about anxious people

that when they get together

and see how anxious

everyone else is

they naturally

calm each


self loathing

i want to write a self-conscious [something] about feeling 'unappreciated' in the alt lit scene

i don't know why i feel 'left out'

i don't feel particularly or consistently bad about feeling left out

i just, for the first time, realized that 'alienated' and 'left out' are very similar but the second evokes a type of sympathy that is like associated with both narcissism mixed with loneliness

which seems strange to me somehow

i don't want to ignore this feeling now that i've felt it

though i dislike its psychological root

i want to 'dissect' it

but first i want to describe it

i have been on the internet making things and interacting with people since 2008

i think it was 2008 because i remember talking with my girlfriend at the time

asking her if she was going to vote, she said no, i said me neither, then later i commented on something on hipster runoff

since then i started my own social commentary blog, met some people in the alt lit scene, wrote a novel, made two albums of music, made a movie, started this blog, made a tumblr, made a lot of videos, and have drawn, like, a lot of pictures

when will my proverbial fifteen minutes come?

is 'it' because i'm too 'elitist' to embrace steve roggenbuck's spelling of 'life'?

is 'it' because i imitated tao lin and carles when i first read their writing?

is 'it' because people in the alt lit scene don't 'get' what i write about?

is 'it' because i am a bad or dishonest writer?

have i misrepresented my experience of liking and wanting to connect with people on the internet?

is 'it' because i am very shy and reclusive and to get exposure you need to pursue as many outlets/interactions as possible?

is it because i am poor and cannot afford to travel to where alt lit people meet IRL?

why is it that i feel like the most disparate member of this subculture?

does everyone know who i am and just because we don't have mutual IRL friends they don't look at what i make or do ever?

oh wait i'm just not working hard enough at anything and my goals are too scattered never mind sorry