self loathing

i want to write a self-conscious [something] about feeling 'unappreciated' in the alt lit scene

i don't know why i feel 'left out'

i don't feel particularly or consistently bad about feeling left out

i just, for the first time, realized that 'alienated' and 'left out' are very similar but the second evokes a type of sympathy that is like associated with both narcissism mixed with loneliness

which seems strange to me somehow

i don't want to ignore this feeling now that i've felt it

though i dislike its psychological root

i want to 'dissect' it

but first i want to describe it

i have been on the internet making things and interacting with people since 2008

i think it was 2008 because i remember talking with my girlfriend at the time

asking her if she was going to vote, she said no, i said me neither, then later i commented on something on hipster runoff

since then i started my own social commentary blog, met some people in the alt lit scene, wrote a novel, made two albums of music, made a movie, started this blog, made a tumblr, made a lot of videos, and have drawn, like, a lot of pictures

when will my proverbial fifteen minutes come?

is 'it' because i'm too 'elitist' to embrace steve roggenbuck's spelling of 'life'?

is 'it' because i imitated tao lin and carles when i first read their writing?

is 'it' because people in the alt lit scene don't 'get' what i write about?

is 'it' because i am a bad or dishonest writer?

have i misrepresented my experience of liking and wanting to connect with people on the internet?

is 'it' because i am very shy and reclusive and to get exposure you need to pursue as many outlets/interactions as possible?

is it because i am poor and cannot afford to travel to where alt lit people meet IRL?

why is it that i feel like the most disparate member of this subculture?

does everyone know who i am and just because we don't have mutual IRL friends they don't look at what i make or do ever?

oh wait i'm just not working hard enough at anything and my goals are too scattered never mind sorry


Anonymous said...

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. No. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I'm tired now but more "yes".

Anonymous said...

an important peice of literature