self loathing

i want to write a self-conscious [something] about feeling 'unappreciated' in the alt lit scene

i don't know why i feel 'left out'

i don't feel particularly or consistently bad about feeling left out

i just, for the first time, realized that 'alienated' and 'left out' are very similar but the second evokes a type of sympathy that is like associated with both narcissism mixed with loneliness

which seems strange to me somehow

i don't want to ignore this feeling now that i've felt it

though i dislike its psychological root

i want to 'dissect' it

but first i want to describe it

i have been on the internet making things and interacting with people since 2008

i think it was 2008 because i remember talking with my girlfriend at the time

asking her if she was going to vote, she said no, i said me neither, then later i commented on something on hipster runoff

since then i started my own social commentary blog, met some people in the alt lit scene, wrote a novel, made two albums of music, made a movie, started this blog, made a tumblr, made a lot of videos, and have drawn, like, a lot of pictures

when will my proverbial fifteen minutes come?

is 'it' because i'm too 'elitist' to embrace steve roggenbuck's spelling of 'life'?

is 'it' because i imitated tao lin and carles when i first read their writing?

is 'it' because people in the alt lit scene don't 'get' what i write about?

is 'it' because i am a bad or dishonest writer?

have i misrepresented my experience of liking and wanting to connect with people on the internet?

is 'it' because i am very shy and reclusive and to get exposure you need to pursue as many outlets/interactions as possible?

is it because i am poor and cannot afford to travel to where alt lit people meet IRL?

why is it that i feel like the most disparate member of this subculture?

does everyone know who i am and just because we don't have mutual IRL friends they don't look at what i make or do ever?

oh wait i'm just not working hard enough at anything and my goals are too scattered never mind sorry