descriptions of—and assumed reasons why i am attracted to—five girls i currently have crushes on

1. sexy. smiles a lot. showed interest first. personality that i find genuinely interesting and don’t think of with any sarcasm, i.e. uncontrollable thoughts that her opinion is ‘stupid’ in any way. no visual physical traits that cause me any discomfort whatsoever. acknowledged superior intelligence among friend group. requires long-term time investment. sweet ass sense of humor. very understanding. i can’t interpret the relationship between her actions and possible thought processes and want to ‘understand’ the same way i want to ‘understand’ myself. just thought ‘put sexy again, she is sexy’ and typed it.

2. ‘crazy’. very short attention span. bizarre sense of humor that others seem to gravitate to possibly just because she is pretty, maybe because she is ‘clever’. openly very sexual. ‘mysterious’. highly motivated in short increments. did not show interest until after ~3 weeks of interaction. seems to experience ambivalence but not appear to experience fear.

3. mercurial. emotionally codependent. considers me responsible for ‘everything’. does not respect the emotions i feel and think most about. does not take my opinion seriously but usually ‘goes along’ with what i want to do. very complex personal relationship involving intense feelings of both love and hate. higher level of sexual ‘closeness’ to anyone else.

4. mercurial. potentially very similar to 3. but entirely unknown outside of the context of only being friends. very close friend i feel ‘i cannot betray’ consistently professes to be ‘in love’ with her. highly refined aesthetic sensibility. very ‘motherly’/accommodating and also very assertive. possibly an alcoholic/’thrill junkie’.

5. definitely an alcoholic. is wildly perceptive/capable of describing her experiences with so much detail that i don’t see her as ‘a girl’ at all. have seen her naked but felt incapable of ‘doing anything’. has the qualities and personal myth of being an ‘artistic muse’, to some degree. travels a lot so i see her infrequently but when we are together it is unbelievably/vividly memorable. coined, to me, the most endearing nickname derivative of ‘buttercup’. is not aware, despite how close we are, that i have a crush on her at all.

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