i can hear train whistles and dog barks and cricket chirps and where the hell is your voice?

i am having extreme feelings of embarrassment and emasculation

resulting in wanting desperately to cry

i will either fall asleep crying or masturbating, i think

or maybe just not wake up ever



i feel immobilized by extreme embarrassment

embarrassment is slowly making me sad

and sadness is slowly making me angry

anger needs to be addressed physically

addressing feelings physically is dangerous and potentially life-altering

so i will jerk off

or i'll break something; no

i will cry

i'll cry like a newborn baby thing cries

and this action will cause me to remain equally embarrassed

and feel exponentially more emasculated

and everything will seem fucked

this is what alienation does to a person



embarrassment and not being able to have sex are making me weak

the only way i can address emasculation without embarrassment is through sex

millions of hours of it

as a trade

in order to not mindlessly break something precious

and apologize for weeks

and maybe not be able to be friends anymore

and potentially spend money on the person whose shit i broke

as a gesture

due to broke-your-shit guilt



sex is fun and is aggression and is friendship at the same time, i think

i am wrong about this, how could i not be wrong about this