i need to write more fiction.

samuel l. jackson sits on his bed with his legs crossed and looks at the ceiling. there is a poster of alice glass screaming something with the caption 'crystal castles' in italics in the popular font futura and every letter is capitalized on it. samuel l. jackson imagines alice glass's mouth on his penis. he gets very excited about this thought. he hurriedly starts to unbuckle his belt. he has extreme difficulty doing this because he is sitting with his legs crossed. he lies on his back and arches his hips above his head and feet and pulls off his belt and pulls down his pants. he begins masturbating furiously while imagining alice glass's vagina and ass and breasts and face near his penis. after two minutes he ejaculates uncontrollably and with extreme force all over his bedroom. he immediately thinks 'what am i doing? what did i just do? i am never doing that again' and puts his penis into his pants. 'what are you doing? what did you just do? never do that again and wipe your ejaculate off of my face please' says beethoven. beethoven is samuel l. jackson's pet greyhound and has been sitting next to the bed for the past half hour. samuel l. jackson is very startled and leaps out of his window, somersaults across the roof and does a back flip with a double kick-twist onto his lawn and totally fucking nails it. he looks around and sees that no one is there to see him do this and feels extremely embarrassed and ashamed and tentative about ever answering his cell phone again.

the next day samuel l. jackson goes to mulberry street to visit halle berry. mulberry street is seven blocks from samuel l. jackson's house and every house in the neighbor hood looks exactly the same so he gets lost 1,500 times because he goes too far south when he should go north-northwest. 'i am the dumbest. the dumb-dumb of the dumpster people. stupid dumb' samuel l. jackson says then he sees the street sign with 'mulberry street' written on it. but really it says 'mulberry st' and samuel l. jackson assumes this means 'mulberry street' although no one has told him directly that 'st' is an abbreviation for 'street'. he assumes that the oed probably has a blurb about this somewhere in the 's' section of the book but never checks to find out. he arrives at halle berry's house and knocks on the door. the door opens. 'hello samuel l. jackson' halle berry's mom says. halle berry's mom is the milfiest of all milfs and answers the door naked smoking a cigarette always. samuel l. jackson develops an 'instantaneous boner', which is highly dangerous since the rapid redirection of blood flow can cause the brain to suffocate. halle berry's mom has no idea that she is putting samuel l. jackson's life at risk by being very hot and naked and by smoking a cigarette while opening the door. fortunately for her legal situation (which is already 'totally fucked' and can 'do without' a manslaughter charge) samuel l. jackson does not die. halle berry's mom says 'halle berry isn't here right now. i think she went to your house'. samuel l. jackson does not like this idea. he imagines that halle berry is actually inside and that halle berry's mom is lying to him for some reason involving halle berry's dad not wanting them to see each other anymore and him planning to 'sick' a herd of land piranhas on him if he puts one foot in the house. 'she tried to call you, but you didn't pick up your cell phone' halle berry's mom says. samuel l. jackson puts one foot inside of the house for good measure then immediately turns around and begins running down mulberry street because running deflates boners.

'goodbye samuel l. jackson!' says halle berry's mom. 'hello samuel l. jackson!' says halle berry when he arrives at his house. she is sitting on his porch and petting samuel l. jackson's pet corgy, beethoven, very enthusiastically like she is very nervous or something. 'i brought you some barnacles off the bottom of my dad's navy boat' says halle berry. she hands samuel l. jackson the barnacles in a plastic bag that says 'whole foods' on it. he stares at the barnacles for about five seconds and then tries to eat all of them by stuffing them into his mouth. 'they aren't edible' says halle berry but it is too late. a barnacle is lodged in samuel l. jackson's throat and he chokes. he spits out the other barnacles and gags and points to his neck and makes the universal choking gesture but halle berry is not cpr certified so she watches him choke with a neutral facial expression. beethoven is cpr certified but is too busy licking his testicles to notice that samuel l. jackson is really choking and not playing a joke. almost a minute goes by before beethoven sees that samuel l. jackson is dying and intervenes at near super-sonic speeds. halle berry takes off her clothes and lights a cigarette. for a brief moment in lieu of 'freaking out' about dying samuel l. jackson thinks 'must be genetic or something' regarding halle berry and this is intensely relaxing for him. beethoven performs the heimlich maneuver on samuel l. jackson and the barnacle that was lodged in his air passage is pushed up and into his nasal cavity somehow. after this happens and for the rest of his life samuel l. jackson can only breathe through his mouth and never gets married because he snores like a hippopotamus. 'i saw your room. it's covered in cum' says halle berry. 'no it's not' says samuel l. jackson. it is tuesday.