i left college to write a novel and now i don't want to write a novel because i am incapable of self-validating.

my girlfriend and i took a break and she went to a party and had sex with a guy who seemed really into 'metal' music
i still put my penis inside of her again having been aware of this
she said she felt bad about having done it
she said i was lying about not having fucked anyone
i said that i had the opportunity but didn't because i don't like other vaginas
she said she missed me
and that she wanted to be with me again
she seemed really self-conscious
about re-establishing our facebook status
you don't have to accept it if you don't want to she said
i'm going to accept it i said
'in a complicated relationship with buttercup mcgillicuddy' it said on her fb for maybe two months
i think that we are complicated and are therefore in a complicated relationship she said to me while giggling sensually
then she called me
and said she was apathetic
you are not apathetic i said not caring if this was relevant
and wanting to hear her say something back because of the complex emotion i feel when i hear her voice
you are either angry
or indifferent about one thing
while being extremely enthusiastic about another thing
that you are not telling me about
i am completely apathetic she said
i don't know what you want me to tell you since you don't believe me when i tell you the truth she said after that
i am not going to break up with you again i said
i felt that if i let her stop being in my life that i would have nothing to live for
so i did not let her stop being in my life
she slithered away using her apathy or hidden enthusiasm instead
and removed our facebook status
i did not know this had happened for two days
for two days my facebook said 'buttercup mcgillicuddy is in a complicated relationship' with no one
sometimes i wish i were deeply suicidal
and did not feel nearly as sarcastic about everything
since i have nothing to live for
why am i not over her yet
why am i not over her yet
why am i not over her yet
why am i not over her
asking myself this has only made it more difficult for me to arrive at a solid conclusion regarding my capacity for 'getting over her' with relation to the desire to 'be over her' and the undesired state of 'not being over her'
i think i need a very extreme person with a vagina to want to make me have a facebook relationship with them in order for 'her' to 'be gotten over'
'fuck bitches'

read my unfinished novel
i wrote it for her