feeling really melodramatic

have been sitting in a loft in baltimore for what feels like forever

thinking critically about 'rebranding'

looked at all my websites and they all seem stylistically sound

confused why no one reads my shit

no one watches my films

i am too poor to do physical endorsement/travel and 'expand my influence'

and feel 'repressed' and at the same time 'limitless' re ability to 'turn a product'

where have i failed, brand-establishment wise?

do i need to make things 'more consumable'?

what the fuck is going on


Buttercup McGillicuddy said...

jesus, everything seems so bleak

Buttercup McGillicuddy said...

i can't stop thinking 'fuck, i am so depressed'

this is awful, i don't even want to feel better


kind of just want to disappear

want my career to be how it seems it should be

what is wrong

feel so bleak

Buttercup McGillicuddy said...

really felt 'enthused' re rebranding

felt 'rejuvenated'

now feel completely defeated by [something]

by my own incompetence maybe

took me five times to spell 'incompetence'

jesus, so fucking stupid

i am so fucking stupid what do i do with myself

what do i do

Buttercup McGillicuddy said...

is this a 'passing moment of extreme bleakness' or what

why do i feel like this

what would remedy this


what the fuck

this seems so melodramatic

i want to stop doing this

Buttercup McGillicuddy said...

will this 'childish outburst' result in hits?

will something good happen because of this

seems very unlikely

seems like there is no redeeming value in 'losing my shit' like this except ridicule

am i acting 'like a baby'?

what does that even mean

i don't understand similes

why do people associate abstractions abstractly with other abstractions

'why' am i asking why about something

everything is just 'how it is'

feeling a small urge to just keep going like this

saying things like this, until i have enough words to make a novel

a novel about bleakness

a novel about a melodramatic author who is venting about the bleakness of his own life

my obsession with recursion seems poorly established

what 'drastic' change 'must' i make to feel more fulfilled artistically

what does that even mean



i want this to stop now, this isn't good/entertaining/fulfilling at all

Buttercup McGillicuddy said...

this should be like a journal entry or something

why am i posting this here

what is happening to my brain

why is it reacting like this

Buttercup McGillicuddy said...

should i invent a social networking language or program or something

should i just work on art all of the time and not 'question' my 'intent'

'just do it'

why don't i have a brand slogan?

buttercup mcgillicuddy: sla;hfl;skdjpfaoihwenjkzxd

that's it

so good

that is so concise and memorable

should i make a logo?

something i can post everywhere so people know i've 'made my mark' and will directly associate it with me, my brand, my music, my art

why am i trying to think of this in terms of business

feel like i hate businesses

just want money, to gain some sense of accomplishment/comfort

what was i thinking in college

what was i trying to achieve

am i having my 'yearly psycho-emotional breakdown'?

going to design a logo

Buttercup McGillicuddy said...

now i have a logo

and i feel shitty about it

what the fuck

Buttercup McGillicuddy said...

when is there going to be a 'buttercup mcgillicuddy brand expansion boom'?

will it be before the apocalypse?

what if my fame remains limited for the rest of my life

could i 'deal with' that?

seems like i would rather be famous, hated, deplored than be unknown, authentic

unsure what authenticity even is

is this 'a cry for help'

i don't like my name, sad that it 'stuck'

i want to be a well-respected auteur

but well-respected auteurs don't have this kind of breakdown

they have publicists and agents who prevent them/cover them up

i will probably never be approached by a publicist/agent with regard to the work i most enjoy doing

i feel like i have always known that and not given much of a shit

like, as long as i'm 'doing what i love' shit may be depressing but at least i feel 'fulfilled'

i feel unfulfilled re the 'brand' i have established

seems like it has only been the way that it is for a year

like there is 'insane' potential for 'massive rebranding'

but that i don't know how to do that

i don't know how to delete my established online presence

except to completely wipe it away

destroy it

'start fresh'

commit internet suicide 'again'


Buttercup McGillicuddy said...

re 'the brand that i have established'

it seems too abstract

it seems too colorful

it seems 'unpalatable'

what could i possibly do to 'move on from here'?

make more movies

do things i genuinely enjoy doing

stop being bored

get on medication

decide that i am 'good enough' and just keep going

ignore feelings of inadequacy

realize that even once/if i become famous i will continue to have the same feelings of inadequacy

like i haven't earned my celebrity

like 'art' is subjective and i am just 'in' 'for now' and should capitalize on my prospects while they still exist

will anyone ever want to be associated with me after this blog/comment troll post?

what am i doing

Buttercup McGillicuddy said...

i am having an existential breakdown

unsure where it is originating from

somewhere 'dark' though, clearly

i will never be published anywhere

no one will ever see one of my films without me prompting them to

no one will ever want to endorse my brand and get me 'mad hits' because i am a worthless piece of shit 'artist' with an 'unpalatable' brand, unforgivable/unchangeable ethnic orientation

a personality too fragile for any sort of 'big-money', 'big-business' sort of scheme

my intellect is too low

my resources are non-existent

my life seems to be filled with out-of-control bleakness

like a cosy apartment with a roach problem

like a pedigree dog with mange or fleas or something

fuck this

fuck this

DJ Berndt said...

decide that i am 'good enough' and just keep going

Yeah man.