have been sitting in a loft in baltimore for what feels like forever
thinking critically about 'rebranding'
looked at all my websites and they all seem stylistically sound
confused why no one reads my shit
no one watches my films
i am too poor to do physical endorsement/travel and 'expand my influence'
and feel 'repressed' and at the same time 'limitless' re ability to 'turn a product'
where have i failed, brand-establishment wise?
do i need to make things 'more consumable'?
what the fuck is going on
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12 comments:
jesus, everything seems so bleak
i can't stop thinking 'fuck, i am so depressed'
this is awful, i don't even want to feel better
jesus
kind of just want to disappear
want my career to be how it seems it should be
what is wrong
feel so bleak
really felt 'enthused' re rebranding
felt 'rejuvenated'
now feel completely defeated by [something]
by my own incompetence maybe
took me five times to spell 'incompetence'
jesus, so fucking stupid
i am so fucking stupid what do i do with myself
what do i do
is this a 'passing moment of extreme bleakness' or what
why do i feel like this
what would remedy this
'remedy'
what the fuck
this seems so melodramatic
i want to stop doing this
will this 'childish outburst' result in hits?
will something good happen because of this
seems very unlikely
seems like there is no redeeming value in 'losing my shit' like this except ridicule
am i acting 'like a baby'?
what does that even mean
i don't understand similes
why do people associate abstractions abstractly with other abstractions
'why' am i asking why about something
everything is just 'how it is'
feeling a small urge to just keep going like this
saying things like this, until i have enough words to make a novel
a novel about bleakness
a novel about a melodramatic author who is venting about the bleakness of his own life
my obsession with recursion seems poorly established
what 'drastic' change 'must' i make to feel more fulfilled artistically
what does that even mean
jesus
fuck
i want this to stop now, this isn't good/entertaining/fulfilling at all
this should be like a journal entry or something
why am i posting this here
what is happening to my brain
why is it reacting like this
should i invent a social networking language or program or something
should i just work on art all of the time and not 'question' my 'intent'
'just do it'
why don't i have a brand slogan?
buttercup mcgillicuddy: sla;hfl;skdjpfaoihwenjkzxd
that's it
so good
that is so concise and memorable
should i make a logo?
something i can post everywhere so people know i've 'made my mark' and will directly associate it with me, my brand, my music, my art
why am i trying to think of this in terms of business
feel like i hate businesses
just want money, to gain some sense of accomplishment/comfort
what was i thinking in college
what was i trying to achieve
am i having my 'yearly psycho-emotional breakdown'?
going to design a logo
now i have a logo
and i feel shitty about it
what the fuck
when is there going to be a 'buttercup mcgillicuddy brand expansion boom'?
will it be before the apocalypse?
what if my fame remains limited for the rest of my life
could i 'deal with' that?
seems like i would rather be famous, hated, deplored than be unknown, authentic
unsure what authenticity even is
is this 'a cry for help'
i don't like my name, sad that it 'stuck'
i want to be a well-respected auteur
but well-respected auteurs don't have this kind of breakdown
they have publicists and agents who prevent them/cover them up
i will probably never be approached by a publicist/agent with regard to the work i most enjoy doing
i feel like i have always known that and not given much of a shit
like, as long as i'm 'doing what i love' shit may be depressing but at least i feel 'fulfilled'
i feel unfulfilled re the 'brand' i have established
seems like it has only been the way that it is for a year
like there is 'insane' potential for 'massive rebranding'
but that i don't know how to do that
i don't know how to delete my established online presence
except to completely wipe it away
destroy it
'start fresh'
commit internet suicide 'again'
fuck
re 'the brand that i have established'
it seems too abstract
it seems too colorful
it seems 'unpalatable'
what could i possibly do to 'move on from here'?
make more movies
do things i genuinely enjoy doing
stop being bored
get on medication
decide that i am 'good enough' and just keep going
ignore feelings of inadequacy
realize that even once/if i become famous i will continue to have the same feelings of inadequacy
like i haven't earned my celebrity
like 'art' is subjective and i am just 'in' 'for now' and should capitalize on my prospects while they still exist
will anyone ever want to be associated with me after this blog/comment troll post?
what am i doing
i am having an existential breakdown
unsure where it is originating from
somewhere 'dark' though, clearly
i will never be published anywhere
no one will ever see one of my films without me prompting them to
no one will ever want to endorse my brand and get me 'mad hits' because i am a worthless piece of shit 'artist' with an 'unpalatable' brand, unforgivable/unchangeable ethnic orientation
a personality too fragile for any sort of 'big-money', 'big-business' sort of scheme
my intellect is too low
my resources are non-existent
my life seems to be filled with out-of-control bleakness
like a cosy apartment with a roach problem
like a pedigree dog with mange or fleas or something
fuck this
fuck this
decide that i am 'good enough' and just keep going
Yeah man.
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