the definitive traveler's guide to the united state of america, by buttercup mcgillicuddy and megan boyle.

maryland sucks

baltimore is a shithole

college park is alright

d.c. is OK

new york is sweet

‘philly’ is kind of dirty but is also OK

l.a. is pretty sweet

everyone ‘loves’ baltimore

ryan manning lives in ashburn, virginia

it’s rainy in seattle, and also portland

this is going to suck

this is sucking really bad

wilmington delaware is on the way to 'philly'

it takes fifteen minutes to drive through wilmington, delaware on the way to ‘philly’

portland is also in maine

everyone in portland, ‘oregon’ shops at wholefoods

but i don’t know anything about portland, maine

stephen king maybe lives there

chicago is totally sweet

everyone should move to chicago, right now

damn, this sucks

denver sucks too

no, maybe denver’s OK

ryan manning lived in denver for a little bit

jack kerouac maybe liked denver a lot

jack kerouac also liked san francisco

toronto is weird

they have a space needle in toronto, like in seattle, but it’s not a real space needle

toronto thinks it’s an american city

jesus

miami has an airport

i am aware of miami having an airport

athens georgia is where ‘of montreal’, the band, is from

among other bands

stuff happens in boston

there are people doing ‘significant things’ in boston

i'm running out of cities

st. paul, minnesota

i have to get my driver’s license renewed by the 26th

fuck

san diego is not where ‘full house’ was filmed

carmen san diego

damn

las vegas has strippers, prostitutes and magicians

and money

yeah, magicians

magicians are sweet

carrot top is not sweet

carrot top is las vegas’s mascot or something

eldersberg maryland is small, there’s a shitty mall there

almost forgot austin

there are equal portions of hipsters and cowboys in austin

perhaps the best demographic of all cities

oakland, california is not san francisco

but people from oakland say that they’re from san francisco

there are a lot of songs about san francisco, i think

why are there so many fat people

obesity is a problem

ryan manning also lived in ibiza, but that's not in the united states