Intent Seems Consistently Indiscernible, Opinions And Desires Exist In Brains; Articles, Poems, And Stories On The Internet Exist In Servers Somewhere:
Vague
Thoughts in Reaction to Alt-Lit Is for Boring, Infantile Narcissists by Josh
Baines Published in Vice UK January 16, 2013
By
Stephen Michael McDowell
To me, the word “love” seems fun to say/write to or when referencing a human I like
a lot.
To me, the word “love” seems like a “place-holder” for an unobservable/unquantifiable
complex of biological functions that prevent humans from indiscriminately
killing other humans they perceive as similar to themselves. A distinct,
paradoxically different definition of “love”
seems to cause humans to spend a lot of time with one-or-more other, usually
dissimilar humans, resulting in a physical and psycho-emotional dynamic conducive
to making more humans
To me, the term “Alt LIt” seems fun to say/write to or when referencing humans who
communicate feelings of alienation, re not being considered—despite exhibiting,
I think, communicative and stylistic ability—to be poets, writers, or
journalists by well-known literary critics, editors at “big” publishing
companies like Vintage, Random House, at news companies, or private/government
historical archives.
To me, the term “Alt Lit” seems like a place-holder for an
unobservable/unquantifiable complex of behavior exhibited by a relatively small
group of humans declaring they are [name-designation given to members of “[established
profession]”] while behaving contrary to or with little regard for the way
[stereotypical humans considered “[plural of established profession]”] are
expected to behave/use language/memefy their output.
Assuming that every human brain is structured
differently, individual humans interface uniquely when encountering different stimuli
(i.e. reading/hearing a novel by Ben Brooks or Hannah Fantana, a short story by
Frank Hinton or Codi Suzanne Oliver, a poem by Mira Gonzalez or Theo Thimo, or
a tweet by Barack Obama), so each human reacts differently (e.g. liking aspects
of the piece, feeling compelled to read more work by that writer, and/or emulating
the patterns they perceive as enjoyable when writing their own work,
or—disliking the piece—feeling disinterested in reading more work by that
writer and/or emulating the patterns they perceive as not enjoyable; possibly enthusiastically
sharing or shittalking the piece to other humans who are or aren’t aware of it).
Generally, when I read a piece by Tao Lin, I
feel aware I am predisposed to enjoy it, possibly because I have enjoyed previous
things Tao has written that I have read and consistently enjoy interacting with
him.
Generally, when I read a piece by Willis
Plummer I feel aware I am predisposed to enjoy it, possibly because I enjoy
interacting with Willis Plummer and consistently enjoy ideas he communicates to
me when sharing an unpublished poem or Twitter draft.
I think I enjoy interacting with Willis Plummer
and Tao Lin simultaneously (i.e. at a house party, reading, at Willis’
apartment, out in public in New York) thus far, a perceivably similar amount as
enjoying interacting with either of them individually.
There have been instances when I have felt
disinterested in or did not like pieces by both Tao and Willis, despite my
predisposition to liking their work/ideas, and there have been instances when I
have had the opportunity to interact with them but did not want to, avoided
them, or felt uncomfortable around them.
This dynamic seems consistent re many humans I
have interacted with, via the Internet and in close physical space, who have
been externally, group-, or self-designated as members of “Alt Lit”.
These opposing scenarios happen, I think,
because my experiences, interests, likes, and dislikes vary from moment to
moment, and sometimes humans I usually enjoy interacting with want to do things
I don’t want to, because we are different humans and interface/react to stimuli
differently.
I feel incapable of discerning the experiences
I have had as acquaintances/friends with humans externally/group-/self-designate
as members of “Alt Lit”, as the
result of the existence or development of one or a group of discernible
phenomena.
I feel capable of remembering, to some extent,
previous interactions I have had with specific humans and groups of humans, and
ideas they’ve communicated directly to me, or made public via the Internet or physical,
interactive media, that I enjoyed and have influenced the way I interact with other
humans and communicate ideas.
Because, at this point (though I have thought
this since I became aware of the term “Alt
Lit”), I think there are too many humans writing in too many disparate
styles to designate their behavior any unifying descriptions besides: “use the Internet”,
“write poems/stories/articles”, “are currently living”, and “are not considered
‘poets’, ‘authors’, or ‘journalists’ by people who could pay them enough to
comfortably sustain their lives”.
I feel incapable of designating the term “Alt Lit” any of the following
descriptors I have heard/read used: “social movement”, “writing community”, “cult
of personality”, “writers group”, or “literary style”.
There is too much content, I think, to define “Alt Lit”, in it’s entirety, as “good”
or “bad” in any discernable context or set of goals.
To me, “Alt
Lit” seems like a term used to differentiate between types of behavior in a
~2,000 humans who consider themselves makers/curators of “literature”.
To me, “literature”
is a vague term that references any use of linguistic ability/complex, tonal,
visual (and potentially using other senses), to communicate information from
one human to another human (ie. anything using language).
Use of “Alt
Lit” only seems communicatively functional, to me, in-contrast to
rhetorical usage of the word “literature”,
which attempts to distinguish, as far as I can discern:
A
piece of text, audio, or somehow otherwise communicated language, composed,
curated, or performed by one or more humans—regardless of whether or not those
humans group- or self-identify their work as “literature” (or use a derivative part of speech/contraction/abbreviation to
describe it)—that expresses intent to communicate an empathetic portrayal of the
experience of being an entity confined to a body-mind system for an unknowable,
brief duration, capable of interacting with “concrete reality” and experience abstract
thought—that, in at least one instance, one or more humans present to witness
some iteration of the piece, designated—verbally or via text—the descriptor
“lit”, “literary”, or “literature”, to the human(s)
who composed, curated, or performed the piece and/or/with-reference-to the
specific piece;
Or;
Every
piece (including pieces designated a “dialectic equivalent” of “literature” in the piece’s respective language, or in at
least one translation) that experienced this process of canonization,
throughout all “known” and “unknowable” phases in human linguistic development,
referred to as one, discernable phenomenon.
From:
Everything
else.
So, given that—at least in the context of this
essay—the above statement is accepted as the definition of “literature”, the term “Alt
Lit” functions as:
Any
instance of language (similar to the above), externally, group-, or
self-designated the term “Alt Lit” or “alternative literature” (by means
similar to the above) with reference to the human(s) who composed, curated, or performed
the piece and/or/with-reference-to-the specific piece.
Or;
A
broad reference to every piece that went through this process at once.
This definition of “Alt Lit” seems unobservable/unquantifiable, to me. However, I feel
confident saying I don't know anything about anything, and want to express—but
somehow feel, by default, inadequate, inherently faulty—that this essay is somehow,
or must be, an (unintentional) expression of me not knowing anything, at all,
about anything.
eskimo bros
short story originally printed in reality hands issue #3
***
matthew looked at janet standing by the casement windows
next to fred. matthew tried to remember what she said to him earlier about
having to go, that she needed to be at work in the morning. he was tired of
watching all the men in the room fawn over the two blondes sitting on the
bowflex, nervously drinking vodka, one of them, clearly about to cry
matthew stood up and walked to the middle of the room. eric appeared from the
bathroom and asked if matthew wanted more cocaine. matthew said sure, but kept
glancing over at janet. he thought when eric offered that he would take a key
out and offer matthew a bump but when he turned back to look, eric was holding
the baggie in front of matthew, dancing a little, staring at the blondes. they
were talking to afriik, eric's drug dealer, crouched on the floor between them
matthew took the baggie, did a bump, and handed it back to eric. eric lunged at
matthew, violently hugging him. eric said 'i love you brother', let go of
matthew and leapt toward the other side of the room, dancing, his arms and hips
swaying with, matthew thought, inhuman enthusiasm and gesticulation
matthew started back toward janet and fred. as he approached, fred looked
upset. 'i'm not telling you what to do,' he said, 'i'm just saying you're making
things way more complicated than they need to be.' fred walked past matthew in
a semi-hurried shuffle and matthew heard janet say 'it's my life' quietly as
fred brushed past him
janet stood looking out the window at baltimore, the warehouse was high enough
the the skyline appeared just over the adjacent building. it wasn't obvious
from inside the warehouse but it was 3am and dark out. matthew walked up to
janet and put his hand on her shoulder. 'don't you think you should go home
soon,' said matthew. 'you said you had work in the morning, didn't you'
janet buried her head in matthew's chest. 'not until eleven though,' she said
weakly. she looked up at his face. matthew felt afraid, 'she's going to kiss
me', he thought, 'and i'm going to kiss her back'
in a cab on their way up charles street, janet offered matthew a baggie. he
took it, finished it and put the empty bag in his pocket. 'i shouldn't be doing
this, what am i doing,' said janet. 'what's wrong,' said matthew 'i don't get
it, what's wrong'
'okay,' said janet, 'so if we're going to do this, it needs to be fast because
i have work in the morning, and then i have to pick up my daughter at five, and
she's a ball of energy so i can't be tired tomorrow, understand' matthew felt
unsure but like he had already committed to something, something he felt sure
he would either regret or have to confront in the morning, but he agreed to try
amidst janet repeating 'i shouldn't be doing this' as they walked into her
apartment
'we don't have to' said matthew. 'do you want a beer,' said janet, 'i have tons
of beer, do you want one, here.' she handed him one from the fridge. he already
felt very drunk and weird about everything. he already felt bad about janet
seeming unsure but somehow committed to whatever was about to happen. he took
the beer and walked into the back room sipping it while she frantically cleaned
the living room 'this place is such a mess,' she said
'there is something weird about the brains of moms,' thought matthew, then
asked if he could smoke a cigarette. 'i was just about to have one,' said janet
in a frantic tone. she took a pack of american spirits from the coffee table,
quickly removed one and handed it to matthew. 'you have a balcony,' said
matthew, smiling. 'yea, do you want to smoke out there,' asked janet. 'sure'
on the bed, they lay next to each other silently, until matthew caressed and
then grabbed janet's hip. she wrapped her arm around his neck, sliding her hand
along his bare back
matthew held janet and kissed her face, he liked the way her nose protruded
slightly at the tip and kissed it repeatedly. she didn't laugh, she seemed
either enraptured or attempting to detach herself from the contact. 'you have
good breasts,' said matthew. 'what,' said janet in a hushed, frenetic yelp.
'i'm surprised, i thought moms' breasts did weird things after nursing and
never changed back, yours seem healthy and young'
janet smiled and kissed matthew and positioned him on top of her, he put on a
condom from a bowl on her night stand, took a sip of beer, and gripped her
tightly.
after a few minutes matthew's body felt exacerbated and his brain, dull, 'i'm
bored,' he said. 'don't stop,' said janet, 'it's the condom,' 'yea—' said
matthew. 'i don't know what to do.' 'are you clean?' 'yea, i just got tested.'
'i am too, except, well, herpes, but, like, it's mouth herpes, and it's not
enflamed, so, you're fine.' 'goddamnit,' matthew thought, taking off the condom.
after they were done, janet seemed shocked and overtly aware of what had
happened. she said 'ew', and ran to the bathroom. matthew chugged the rest of
his beer, blacked out, and woke up with the sun against his back. he could see
janet in the kitchen through the bedroom door.
matthew sat up and took a cigarette from her pack, sitting on the nightstand
and lit it. he tried to remember the course of events the last night, and the
first thing he thought of was the first time he and janet kissed. she said
'i've never kissed a person with lips bigger than mine,' and 'wow, i want you,'
in a calm manner, and matthew realized that that gesture is probably what
guided his semi-conscious mind to his present situation
matthew walked into the kitchen and took janet by the waist and tried to kiss
her. she resisted. 'i should have known that wasn't going to happen,' he
thought. 'um, yea, yea,' said janet, 'um, you're not really supposed to smoke
in here.' 'oh,' said matthew, 'i'm sorry.' 'no no no no it's my fault, it's
just, my daughter's going to be here today and i don't usually smoke inside,
it's okay.' 'what happened with work,' matthew asked, walking to the balcony.
'i called in sick,' said janet. 'jesus christ.'
eventually janet came out to the balcony and sat down in a chair. she seemed
nervous and earnestly attempting calm. 'you know,' she said, lighting a
cigarette, 'i really shouldn't have done that last night.' 'yea you kept saying
that, why?' 'well,' she started, exhaling smoke, 'i have a boyfriend in kansas,
and he won't like that i slept with someone else unprotected'
'oh,' said matthew. 'do you want some oatmeal, and, like, coffee,' asked janet.
'sure,' said matthew putting out his cigarette. janet put hers out, only
one-third finished, and bolted inside.
'is it good,' asked janet. 'the coffee's fine.' said matthew. 'the oatmeal's
kind of bland,' 'yea i don't want bianca to get addicted to sugar, so i don't
have sugar.' 'do you have raisins or something.'
they sat watching tv for about fifteen minutes while matthew finished. 'i don't
even ever watch tv,' said janet. 'me either,' said matthew. he set the bowl
down on the coffee table and stood. 'the apartment looks good,' he said, 'you
cleaned it really fast.'
matthew kept standing a few seconds. he looked at janet's nose. she smiled. he
walked to her and hugged her. 'come back again some time,' she said. matthew
walked out of the apartment and caught the bus to station north.
when he walked into his apartment eric was sitting in his studio smiling with a
handle of whiskey in his hand, blaring the mountain goats' song 'damn these
vampires' as it played on his laptop. matthew sat down on the adjacent futon.
'how's it going brother,' said eric. 'i'm hungover as fuck,' said matthew.
'well, have some of this then.' matthew took the handle of whiskey and took a
sip. 'so, you going to marry janet and adopt bianca?'
matthew almost spit. he grinned, then took another swig of whiskey. 'nope,' he
said. 'aw, well that's too bad. but, well, the good news is—' matthew still had
the handle to his mouth. 'we're eskimo brothers!'
three-person shower
originally printed in issue #1 of 'no prizes' edited by ian heames
***
Jeremy didn’t want to go to the bar. He opened his mouth to say this but nothing came out.
“So is it Donohue’s or the University Bar,” asked Emily. She had already had five glasses of boxed wine and had told Jeremy that she was seeing double. She laughed when she said this, and was leaning against Page as her phone made a sound.
Jeremy texted Leah, “We’re thinking about going to the bars now. Where are you?”
“It’s Susan,” yelled Emily. “She’s coming! She’s coming!”
Nailah walked out of her room wearing a new outfit. “What do you guys think? Does this look okay?”
“You look hot,” the girls said in unison, Emily’s words a little more slurred. Jeremy looked at Nailah and something about her was nauseating him. It was the shot of whiskey he just took, it settled with a calm antipathy in his stomach. A thing both repulsing and sexual.
“I’m already at Donohue’s,” said Leah via text. “Just call me when you get here.”
…
Page opened the door for Susan who boisterously announced she was reeling. Everyone was drunk. It seemed horrifying to Jeremy, the fact that these girls were all so drunk. What am I going to do with my life?
They played slap the bag for three rounds and it became obvious that Page was going to fuck Nailah and that Nailah was into it.
Jeremy couldn’t stop thinking about Leah. He texted her again, “Who are you with?”
“A couple of friends, Kayleigh, Adam. A boy I went to high school with.”
Seems bleak.
They eventually walked out of the apartment and began down Oxford Rd. towards the bars. The girls kept yelling and flirting with each other. Emily ran to Jeremy and grabbed his hand. “Kiss me,” she said, while jumping in an out-of-control chipmunk-like manner.
Jeremy smiled and kissed her, then again, then again. Emily smiled and walked backwards holding up at him from sensitive nerve endings, then turned around briskly, her long auburn hair catching the wind a little as she did. She ripped herself from Jeremy’s hands and ran towards Page whispering something in her ear.
Susan and Nailah were holding hands at this point.
I just want to die. My ear hurts. Everything seems so loud.
…
Nailah paid for Jeremy to get into Donohue’s. He wondered around for the most part aimlessly but searching for Leah a little. He saw her, but she didn’t see him. He walked to the dancefloor and looked at the bar. “Umbrella” by Rihanna was playing and three football players were surrounding a skinny Ibex in short shorts. It grinded on one of them while the others cheered.
Jeremy walked to the bar and asked Emily to buy him a whiskey and Coke.
“You know I don’t like how you get when you drink whiskey.”
“Just one whiskey?”
“Okay, but like, only beer after this.”
The Ibex in short shorts was grinding on another football player, who was holding what appeared to be a mimosa in his right hand. He high-fived another football player and they smiled wildly at various things, then the mimosa footballer looked at the Ibex’s ass as it turned and also looked at its ass grinding against his crotch rhythmically. R-Kelly’s “Ignition” began playing and everyone screamed so loudly.
…
“What happens if you think you’re falling for a girl, but you don’t, like, feel gay,” said Nailah. She had been making out with Susan three minutes before. Emily was sitting on Jeremy’s lap.
“I think that’s for you to decide,” said Emily.
“Do you think I should sleep with her?”
“Yes,” said Page, “She’s hot.”
Jeremy looked back and saw Leah and Kayleigh at a table just inside. He whispered in Emily’s ear and she stood up to let him walk. He walked inside past the bouncer and toward Leah. Leah saw him approaching and smiled. “Jeremy,” she yelled and stood to hug him. Kayleigh seemed nervous. There were two other younger-looking guys sitting at their table. Kayleigh gave Jeremy a hug too. “This is my girlfriend, Emily,” said Jeremy as he noticed her approaching somewhat from behind. Everyone was introduced and the boy Leah went to high school with was Patrick.
"Are you really leaving tomorrow," said Leah.
"Yeah," said Jeremy.
"For how long?"
Jeremy looked at Emily. "Indefinitely."
Jeremy sat down. He talked. Other people talked. Leah looked at him wantingly. Leah looked at him sadly. She asked questions. Emily answered them. Jeremy kind of slid his hand near Leah’s and she took it. Everything is hidden from us.
Jeremy walked inside and passed the dancefloor on the way to the bathroom. The Ibex was dancing alone and gave Jeremy an acutely sexual look. It grabbed Jeremy and pulled him in for a crotch-to-crotch grind. Jeremy looked nervously out the window. Emily and Leah were talking to each other, laughing. Jeremy pushed away from the Ibex, “I have to go to the bathroom.”
“Bbbbbbraaaaahhhhhaaaahaaammm,” the Ibex bleated, disappointed. It strutted over to another football player who was sitting down and grabbed his jersey. He smiled.
…
What is the true nature of friendship, and when can the metaphysical line between friend and lover be drawn? Love is not real and metaphysics even refers to something deeper than itself. What are the consequences of these feelings? What would be the benefit of taking Leah at the expense of Emily? Is there such a thing as a benefit? What do positive versus negative emotions have to do with anything? Choice is still the determinant. I just want her, I’ve dreamed of it. I’ve dreamed of us.
…
Jeremy walks out of the bathroom. Jeremy talks to Emily and Leah and Patrick. Jeremy walks outside and lights a cigarette. Nailah is blackout drunk. Susan says to Page, “Give me the keys I’m taking her home. Give me the keys.”
“Okay,” Page gives Susan the keys. Emily comes outside. Page looks nervous. Nailah is so drunk. Nailah will not like to wake up to having sexually experimented with a girl. Jeremy whispers a thing in Susan’s ear. “Okay,” says Susan. “Of course, yeah I’ll be right back.”
…
Jeremy and Emily make out.
…
Susan and Emily are yelling about skinny-dipping in the reflecting pool on the mall and jumping and screaming. Page went home with Eric the Communist and a weird Zen-seeming creeper replaced her. They walk to campus. Jeremy manically messages Leah, “We’re going skinny dipping on the mall. I don’t want to do this. Save me.”
“Me and Patrick are on the roof of the Fitzgerald building. Come up here.”
“I can’t let two drunk girls skinny dip on the mall with a creeper and no lookout. This is fucked.”
“Okay, well I’ll see you later.”
They will get stoned and fuck tonight, just like in high school.
Emily and Susan are naked. Susan throws her thong at Jeremy’s face. She is six-feet tall and her legs are exactly half of her full-length and geometrically unparalleled to anything even described vaguely in myths, Jeremy thinks, in the moonlight. The sketchy Zen guy strips down to his boxers and starts singing. Jeremy stands, smokes, looks nervously around.
“Baby, get in here with me,” says Emily. “No that’s okay,” says Jeremy. He kisses her. She backs into the water, conveying an attempt at being sexy. She slips and falls into Susan’s lap. They start to make out. The Zen guy hoots.
Leah and Patrick come down the mall—they hold hands—as the girls and Zen guy are putting their clothes back on.
“How was your swim,” asks Patrick.
“Uh, amazing,” says Susan. “Where is my thong?”
…
Later. At Emily’s apartment, she, Susan and Jeremy shower together then lay in bed naked. Jeremy can’t sleep. He gets up to get a drink.
Jeremy can’t feel the left side of his face.
'third york' recap
disclaimer: some names/events were omitted to ‘protect’ parties involved, some events may be inaccurately recounted or were omitted due to faulty memory, disinterest, etc
wednesday, december 26th, 2012
arrived in new york city via megabus
rode g train to willis plummer's apartment in bed-stuy
walked w willis to bodega
purchased 40oz malt liquor at bodega
chatted stephen tully dierks via google hangout ~30min
ingested ~10mg adderall
edited 'habitat issue three: h2o' ~30min
encountered tao lin, giancarlo ditrapano
walked w tao to bodega to help purchase 2x ~20oz soda
inhaled heroin
watched/listened to willis interview giancarlo ~2hrs
inhaled heroin
talked w giancarlo ~30min
watched/listened to willis interview tao ~20min
slept in chair
thursday, december 27th, 2012
woke
received text message from mira gonzalez
met mira at flushing g stop
watched mira, tao meet
encouraged mira to sit on sleeping willis
watched mira, willis meet
vomited
took picture of tao and mira
posted picture to twitter
vomited
walked from bed-stuy to bushwick
called igor fedorovskiy
walked to igor's apartment
vomited
slept on igor's roommate's couch ~3hrs
walked to coffee shop w igor
ingested coffee
walked to willis' apartment
met stacey teague
edited 'h2o' ~2hrs
listened to spencer madsen, willis, mira discuss plans re 'sorry house'
ingested ~10mg adderall
worked on 'h2o' ~1hr
orally inflated inner tube for spencer madsen's bike
talked online w lk shaw, hannah fantana while editing 'h2o' ~3hrs
slept in chair
woke briefly
worked on 'h2o' ~15min
slept in chair
friday, december 28th, 2012
woke
ingested leftover malt liquor
walked to mcdonald's in bushwick
ingested large coffee
encountered james mcgarry
rode w james to manhattan
walked w james to 3rd avenue
encountered/walked w robert helman to 'momofuku' restaurant
talked on phone w hannah
walked w james, rob searching for chinese restaurant on 14th st
walked to 'momofuku'
met hannah and her dad, david
walked w hannah, david to chinese restaurant
introduced hannah, her dad to james, robert
walked w james, robert to pizzaria on 3rd ave
ingested ~2x slices cheese pizza
walked w james to unknown sportsbar
met 4x james' friends from westchester, NY
encountered, did not meet person who plays for tampa bay buccaneers
felt extreme attraction to girl
wrote my email address on gum wrapper
ingested ~2x shots whiskey
tried/failed to find girl
rode cab w ~3ppl to another unknown 'hipster'/'grunge' bar
encountered member of rap group 'ninja sonic'
ingested ~2x shots whiskey, ~2x cans beer
talked w unknown 20-something businessmen ~30min
encountered obscure classmate from high school
received phone number from ~32yo woman
inhaled 1x key bump cocaine
freestyle rap battled unknown person
talked w 'ninja sonic' member, james ~1hr
rode train w james, friends to queens
inhaled ~3x key bump cocaine, marijuana smoke
walked w james' friend to bodega
purchased 40oz malt liquor
listened to hip hop music ~2hrs
slept on couch
saturday, december 29th, 2012
woke
walked to g train stop in queens
rode train to brooklyn
encountered hannah, david, beach sloth in williamsburg
walked to dennis donnolly's house
met theo thimo
met crispin best
met aly cat
met tom melton
met guillaume morissette
met leily kleinbard
met nathan 'earl' rose
met moon temple
met stephen tully dierks
met jacob steinberg
met samuel von allen
attended 'a holiday miracle!!!' poetry reading hosted by andrew worthington/mike bushnell
yelled at ppl in back room re talking loudly during reading
talked w brandon scott gorrell 1st time in ~3yrs for ~45min
met scott krave
rode train to willis' apartment
walked to bodega, purchased 40oz malt liquor
ingested ~20mg adderall, whiskey, malt liquor
invited earl, moon to come to ed's apartment
rode train w earl, moon, paul, aly cat, ed halliday, ed's roommate johnny, to their apartment
met harris, ed and johnny's roommate
inhaled marijuana smoke
ingested whiskey
listened to 90's hip hop, r&b ~2hrs
slept on floor
sunday, december 30th, 2012
woke
ingested leftover beer, malt liquor, vodka
met ian, travis, and maia, ed's roommates
walked w group to little caesar's
ingested 1x large pepperoni pizza
watched harris play 'grand theft auto: san andreas' ~4hrs
met paul rizza
rode train w group to 'microscope gallery'
walked w stephen, stacey, heiko, beach sloth to bodega
attended/directed spreecast for '$ young money poetry $' reading hosted by lk/gabby gabby
encountered steve roggenbuck
recognized but did not meet 2x members 'bambi muse'
met john demmitt
met nic rad
met stephanie georgopolous
made out w jacob steinberg at train stop
rode train w ~20ppl for ~2hrs to maggie lee's apartment
met natalie chin, ben townsend
encountered ana carrete, mike, maggie lee, andrew worthington
talked briefly w natalie
talked briefly w john
rode train w group to ed's apartment
slept on floor
monday, december 31st, 2012
woke
talked w ed, aly, moon, harris, johnny, paul re 'internet things' ~6hrs
rode train to 'the active space'
encountered steve, met dylan 'mac cromwell' york on train
walked w group to bodega
encountered marshall mallicoat, met amelia gillis
purchased 40oz malt liquor
walked back to 'the active space'
encountered, but did not meet frank hinton
encountered lyndsay coloracci, ingested vodka
edited 'h2o' ~1hr
met [many people]
attended 'pop serial' reading
saw [name omitted] hand peterbd a ~1" x 1" sheet of paper
saw peterbd put the piece of paper on his tongue
asked [name omitted] what it was, was told 'enron' or something, felt confused
saw steve and dylan in a corner, obscured by a curtain, seeming sad
noticed steve's laptop on the floor, unattended
slid on floor toward laptop, engaged audience briefly
watched willis plummer slide on wheeled chair across gallery
saw spencer madsen use his body as 'bowling ball', crash into ~10x empty bottles
walked to roof
talked to peterbd who seemed confused/euphoric/terrified
yelled to group to return downstairs
attended 'alt lit gossip awards', 'the beachies'
talked to peterbd who seemed significantly more disoriented/confused
met karen peltier
rode train w group to ed's apartment while trying to comfort peterbd
continued to try to comfort peterbd ~2hrs
sat on stoop w lk
cried ~40min explaining that i felt 'responsible' for how fucked everything seemed
confronted unknown loud/abrasive ppl at party
discouraged aly re continued engagement w loud/abrasive ppl
walked w aly, moon to bushwick ave l train stop
talked/walked w aly back to ed's apartment
ingested whiskey, beer
inhaled marijuana smoke
talked w harris, [name omitted], paul ~1hr
yelled '[name omitted], cuddle me'
made out w [name omitted] ~3hrs
photographed by peterbd making out w [name omitted]
cuddled w [name omitted] on floor
slept
tuesday, january 1st, 2013
woke
cuddled w [name omitted] on couch ~5hrs
did things via computer ~4hrs
received text from hannah saying 'i'm lost' ~2hrs after scheduled time for event she was booked for
rode train w ed, johnny to 'silent bar' gallery
listened to unknown band play music
felt aversion to band member saying 'if you listen to this song you have to hug everyone in the room'
left room w ~5ppl
watched ~9ppl exit a trailer previously thought to be an art installation
hung out w ~12ppl in gallery commenting on things
watched steve read
talked briefly w [name omitted] re going back to her friend's apartment
talked briefly w heiko, ed, johnny
encountered ben beutel-gunn
walked w ~10ppl to apartment
met 'evan'
encountered love interest from ~4-6yrs ago who lives in apartment adjacent evan's
felt terrified
went w group to roof of evan's apartment
talked ~1hr w beach sloth, ed, johnny
met olivia lilley
announced 'h2o' release
danced, ingested malt liquor, beer ~2hrs
rode train to ed's apartment
helped clean ed's room
cuddled w peterbd, olivia, ed
woke, stayed up on computer
wednesday, january 2nd, 2013
rode train to manhattan
encountered natalie, ben at 'elephant castle' restaurant
walked to different diner
talked ~2hrs
rode train to starbucks in williamsburg
said goodbye to hannah, david
walked to mcdonald's, ingested 2x cheeseburgers
rode train to ed's apartment
ingested 2x 40oz malt liquor, vodka
listened to obscure music from pacific NW w ed ~3hrs
watched ed, ian play 'san andreas' ~1.75hrs
cuddled w ed
slept
thursday, january 3rd, 2013
woke on couch across the room from where i slept
played 'red dead: redemption' ~7hrs
attacked by travis, ian w nerf guns
slept
woke
rode train w johnny, ed to silent bar
saw gilbert morgan, yelled 'gilbert', gilbert averted eyes
attended party/show at silent bar ~20min
walked w ed to pizzaria, ingested 1/2 large cheese pizza
rode train w ed to 'metropolitan' bar in williamsburg
met david fishkind, cassandra nguyen, andrew coleville
ingested 1x beer purchased by andrew
ingested .5x beer purchased by lk
butt groped by unknown person
became aware 'metropolitan' was 'gay bar'
talked w andrew, david, heiko, stephen ~45min
rode w ~8ppl in cassandra's car to unknown bar
ingested ~.5x beer purchased by stacey
encountered willis, mira
rode w ~9ppl in cassandra's car to lorimer l train stop
encountered tao at grocery store
talked w tao, willis, mira ~20min
ingested coffee
rode g train to willis' apartment
watched 1x episode 'american dad', 1x episode 'it's always sunny…'
cleaned willis plummer's bathroom after andrew flooded toilet
rode in cassandra's car to ed's apartment
ingested leftover alcohol
watched youtube videos w ed, ian
confronted abrasive neighbor yelling at/threatening apparent girlfriend
choked, elevated against wall by abrasive neighbor, almost lost consciousness
calmly told abrasive neighbor 'you can kill me, but please calm the fuck down'
talked w ed, ian, johnny ~25min
slept
friday, january 4th, 2013
woke
ingested 40oz malt liquor, whiskey
inhaled 1x line cocaine
slept
woke
ingested 40oz malt liquor
walked to little caesar's, purchased 1x large pepperoni pizza, 1x large cheese pizza
passively sold cheese pizza to harris $5
watched documentary about shaolin monks/jet li ~1hr
watched harris, ed argue ~1.5hrs
confronted harris about basis for argument/disruptive volume ~15min
slept
saturday, january 5th, 2013
woke
helped clean ed's room
rode subway to NYU campus
encountered praveen elankumaran, met praveen's friend nick
walked w praveen, nick to restaurant
ingested crispy chicken, bacon, lettuce, tomato, mayonaise, wheat bread, ~1/3 pitcher milk stout
walked to WNYU radio station
interviewed for harris' show 'mindtime'
read ~5x poems live on radio, almost cursed ~8x
walked to 'everyman espresso'
rode train to 59th and 5th avenue apple store
saw horse
walked around 'fifth avenue' area
saw people disembarking for red carpet event
rode train to 48th st
walked to 'gaf west' bar
ingested 1x beer purchased by crispin best
walked to meaghan o'connor's house
walked to backyard area
met persons named 'sinead', 'andrew', 'barton'
attended 'homecoming' poetry reading hosted by jacob
listened to people read poetry ~15min
felt claustrophobic, went to bathroom
met sloane fuller
listened to people read poetry ~6min
met ariana reines
told ariana to yell at jacob to open the rear door because of overheating/claustrophobia
flirted w meaghan o'connor ~3min
listened to ariana reines read
talked to mike ~10min
rode train to andrew worthington's apartment
felt confused/disoriented when jacob, mira, sam cooke disembarked ~5 stops early
walked ~15min to andrew's apartment
slept ~1hr while people played w/took pictures of my unconscious body interacting w 1x cheeto
listened to ~3x tracks from 'my beautiful dark twisted fantasy'
read ~2pgs book about salvador dali
rode train w group to alexander seedman's apartment
walked to bodega, purchased 2x honey buns w icing
1x bag nacho chips
ingested 1x honey bun
met rachel, alex's roommate
[activity omitted]
slept
sunday, january 6th, 2013
woke
ingested 1x honey bun
walked w group to 'kellog's diner'
ingested, 2x scrambled eggs, waffle fries, 3x slices toast, avocado omelet purchased by lk
talked w lk, willis, stacey, crispin, stephen, peterbd ~1.5hrs
walked w group to williamsburg pier
photographed by peterbd w group at pier
took video footage of manhattan, hudson river via lk's camera
walked w group to 'williamsburger' restaurant
ingested 2x blue moon beer
watched indianapolis colts vs. baltimore ravens football game
watched seatle seahawks vs. washington redskins football game
walked w group to alexander seedman's apartment
slept ~1.5hrs
walked w group to 'alligator lounge'
ingested 1x beer purchased by lk, 1x small complementary cheese pizza
walked to lorimer l stop to wait for ed
felt cold
walked back to 'alligator lounge'
encountered ed
walked to 'trash bar', felt extremely disoriented via live rock show combined w discordant rock music playing over speakers
felt briefly attracted to girl at bar
walked w ed to 'midway' bar
encountered group
ingested ~2x shots whiskey, 1x shot tequila purchased by lk, crispin respectively
ingested ~1x miller high life purchased by lk
danced briefly w sarah jean alexander, olivia, lk, ed
wrote w permanent marker on left fist
ed wrote w permanent marker on right fist
fists spelled 'doll swag'
talked w peterbd ~30min
walked w group to grocery store
walked w group to alex's apartment
[activity omitted]
slept
monday, january 7th, 2013
woke
walked to lorimer l stop
rode l train to manhattan
rode a train to penn station/34th st
walked to megabus depot ~1hr prior to bus leaving
went on brief twitter rampage
ingested ~50% bag of nacho cheese chips
boarded bus
watched ~30min 'hackers' via laptop
watched ~4x episodes 'top wo nerae 2'
listened to 'midi murder' by hot sugar
slept upright in chair
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